In yesterday’s blog, I shared with you about the point in Gary’s journey through cancer where I hit a wall. At one point, leaving was the only answer I could come up with…and it wasn’t acceptable. I loved Gary, but more than that I had given him my word when we married that I would be there at the best of times and the worst of times.
I’m not certain we understood exactly the depth of what we were committing to when we said those words at a princess wedding in a magical garden in Beverly Hills…but I had said them and, to me, my word means something.
Then I got it. I had chosen to marry Gary. I had chosen to promise him no matter what I would be there for him. Staying with him through this terrible time was a choice. I could choose to leave but I was not okay with how I would feel about myself. I could choose to stay and be my word. From that moment on, each day when I got up I asked myself “can I choose my marriage and being here with Gary one more day?”
Each day, I answered ‘yes’ and got up into my day knowing I was consciously choosing to be there. Once I experienced that I was there of my own free will and not because I was obligated or a victim of terrible circumstances, the walls between us began to dissolve. Gary spent three weeks at an alternative cancer clinic that helped him build up his immune system and restore some of his energy. I had time to rest and implement some self-care.
When he returned home he had gone through a significant shift. He still struggled with the lymphodema but his non-stop cough had stopped, he had more energy and was sleeping better. We both had the energy to re-engage with each other and recapture the wonderful loving connection we had always had. I didn’t know it at the time but we were heading into the last six months we would have together. It was six months in which we fell deeper in love, supported each other fully and enjoyed so much of life in every moment.
Finding freedom through choice changed my life. Re-choosing the man I married during the worst time of our lives brought me and him the most incredible gifts. When he died, we were truly, deeply in love…and for this I am so grateful. Sometimes choice is about choosing what you already have…but really choosing it.
What is one choice you can make that will set you free? For just one day, choose that…and then choose it again the next day and the next. Try it for a week…like an experiment and notice what shifts and what gifts come your way. And if you don’t know how, then talk to someone who does.
I didn’t have a coach to guide me through that time and help me find my solution for what I needed to do. I believe if I had access to that kind of support, there would have been less suffering and less pain. It still would have been me who uncovered the solution but the clarity and awareness generated when working with a coach would have served me well.
What do you need to do to create choice and freedom in your life today…and what are you waiting for? Don’t let tomorrow be the too late day. I got off lucky and had a chance to set things right. Now is a good time for you to do the same…a bit of wisdom from someone who knows.