One of the common responses which costs us precious energy is anger. Often people’s first response to the word is to think of anger going outward at others or external conflict.
In my experience as a coach, I often find anger for many people is the silent experience of internal conflict. And, sometimes the two go hand in hand.
We’ve all had those moments where we lashed out at someone for little or no reason. If we reflect back, with perspective we see that internal upset was really the source of our frustration and the instigating factor, not someone failing to pick up their dinner plate.
My work has given me the opportunity to really delve into this core emotion and examine it closely. Recently, I noticed that when I ask the question, what is beneath the anger the answer that comes back is fear. For cancer survivors and caregivers, there can be some obvious and significant sources of fear.
People can become conflicted with themselves and be in a critical internal dialogue such as:
- I’m not smart enough
- I’m not good enough
- I was so stupid to do that
- I’m an idiot
- How could I fall for that again
- I never get it right
Dig down a layer or two and you’ll find fears such as:
- failure
- not being liked/loved
- being alone
- not being special
- not becoming all they know they can be
- being laughed at
- of loss
When we are living in fear we can end up alienating others in our outer life and creating a very unhealthy internal experience of our inner existence. But it can be easier to stay stuck in this pattern than to dig deep and do what’s need to work through the fears.
There is so much peace, ease, joy, connection and success on the other side of fear. We are kinder to ourselves and to others. It is a more healing experience to be able to move to this place and frees up energy better invested in your wellness journey.
Change begins first with awareness. Check in with yourself the next time you notice that feeling of anger or conflict and just ask…what is behind the mask of anger?
YourTango
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Tambre..how exciting that you read my mind again?
Different topic on my blog post today (stress) but it still comes down to taking the time to dig deeper and work on becoming self aware. This is the key to any real growth and change isn’t it?
Our self talk can go on below the surface and really hurt us without our even knowing. Teaching people to examine this is such a blessing.
You do such wonderful work through your coaching and blog!
Like Bonnie, Tambre we speak a similar message. Our words have power and our fears and anger, frustration and emotions can truly stick us in places where we fail to enjoy the awesomeness of life
Well there is that ‘f’ word again Tambre. Fear seems to be something that is a constant in our lives. But as you point out, having awareness about your fear will certainly help in controling or being more aware of the anger that could be caused by our fear.
I learned long time ago to not react, but instead reflect and think before making a move or saying something I would regret later. But we are all human and there are times that anger will rear its head, it just is how we deal with it that matters.
Thanks Tambre for a really informative understanding of how anger is fear in sheeps clothing!
Change does start with awareness. Your post brought some important points to the surface…things I need to work on. I agree that fear is behind most angry responses.
Ooh! I can wholeheartedly relate, Tambre! Often, spurts of anger show up only because I’m in a bad mood because of something else. That’s when it helps to be able to let things go. I especially this line you wrote: “There is so much peace, ease, joy, connection and success on the other side of fear. ” I want to always make my way to that other side. =)
Hi Tambre,
If you can just dig a little deeper, below the anger, you can be free of it.
If you take out the tree’s roots, it withers and dies. Same deal with anger. The de-rooting process is painful, but it is temporary, and so worth it, when you consider releasing deep hurts improves your life dramatically.
I used to carry many anger issues dealing with self-love. Now I watch my anger, observe it, and am more adept at rolling with it, embracing it and releasing it, instead of fighting the anger and perpetuating it.
Thanks!
Ryan
Yes, it’s not about denying it but making conscious choices around it. There are different times and modalities to address particular aspects of anger. Someone with deep-seated anger issues, in my experience, needs to be referred to a qualified therapist. Typical anger that isn’t out of balance is definitely something that can be transformed through observation, awareness and then making a different choice. There is an anabolic (or positive) way we can interact with what is a common and natural emotion. Anger isn’t bad or wrong but it does need to be understood so it isn’t what’s running the show called our life. Thanks for the thoughtful comment and sharing your personal transformation story…awesome!