Moving on can be a double edged sword…pain and joy in one breath. Life is about moving forward. Though the gifts and the lessons and the love of the past are woven into our lives, we must choose the present to move forward into a future that feeds us.
In the early stages of grief, the past rolls over us again and again like an ocean wave, pulling us under into deep, dark waters. It is a struggle to reach for the surface where the sunlight touches down. Stepping back into the light and into living can take such incredible strength and energy. But I witness people choosing to do this every day.
For a long time, I merely survived the loss of my husband. Some days I made it through with grace and courage. Other days, I was, to be honest, a mess. I was sad, lonely, angry and hurt. But after spending more than several years stuck in the dark hole of grief, I had to recognize that since I was still here I could make a choice to stay there or do something that would give some meaning to my loss. I had to move from surviving to thriving again.
As I become more and more connected to the cancer community and those living with, through and beyond treatment of their illness or that of their loved one, I see more evidence of like minded thinking. People who have found a way through writing, fund raising, speaking, educating, dancing, photography, painting and many other mediums to make a difference and find meaning in their experience.
Transforming sadness, loss and grief into actions that positively support and impact a community is one of the most powerful ways we can move from feeling victimized or angry into sharing our compassion and caring for those who need our support.
As I meet and reach out to others who share a similar goal of providing support and services to those whose lives are touched by cancer, I hear “we” not “me”. I hear “alliance” not “competition”. There is a sense of building a tribal connection, a cooperative relationship, an ‘everybody wins’ when we work together feeling.
Of all the things I dreamed of for myself, I never imagined being part of the tribe of those whose lives are forever changed by cancer. Of all the worries and fears I had as a new bride and young wife, I never considered that a disease would rob us of our happily ever after. No one chooses this. But we can choose what we do with the experience.
In deciding to become a coach to cancer survivors and caregivers, I empowered myself to stop being a hostage of grief. It is not about forgetting or burying the past. It’s about taking action that makes a positive difference and gives meaning to my life. The way I’ve chosen to move on honors the memory of my husband. I will always feel some pain from losing him way too soon but that is because I loved him…and I can live with that now that I’m no longer hostage to it.
What do you choose to do with the challenges and life changing moments in your life?
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Oh I am a big cry baby. I cry and sulk for so long that people feel I would never come out of it – the loss of my grandma, my prolonged unemployment, my best friends death, a terrible accident; I felt life was being unfair to a 25 year old. But now at 25, I am trying to change; my whole life is ahead of me. I can still live it the way I want, its not over and maybe the coming years will be so much more brighter that this would be a thing of the past pretty soon!
Thanks for making me feel all bright and beautiful, ending the day on a happy note (Its’ about 10 at night here!)
Hajra, you have gone through significant loss and some major challenges at a very young age. Crying is a natural part of the grieving process. When you reached a point of feeling like that had become sulking, it appears you found the strength and courage to see the other choice of having your whole life ahead of you and being able to choose to live it how you wish to. That is a huge shift…and you deserve to feel bright and beautiful because you are! Here’s to ending on happy notes!
It’s an interesting question you asked Tambre. While I can recite the stages of grief, understand and outwardly observe what is happening when you are in the midst of real darkness it can be a struggle even so. I think that sometimes surviving the day can be considered a win. It wasn’t that long ago I had my second great and difficult loss and I didn’t handle it well. I spent days weary and crying and depressed. I felt very alone.
When people such as yourself are so open with their story it can make a difference. To know that the light eventually cuts through, that you can slide back but still go forth and that there is hope and meaning to be had…that’s what helps me the most. Realizing that I can make something out of what felt like nothing.
I personally find the stages of grief to be somewhat misleading…like there is a list and once you tick one off…that’s anger, that’s denial, you’re done with it. My experience is that it is more like a spiral effect and we come back around again and again revisiting these different emotional experiences of loss at different times…yet each time, when we are doing our personal work, it is slightly less severe and we are able to move through it a little faster than in the early days. Grief is complex. What is simple is that I know had I had a coach, I would not have stayed stuck for so long and lost so many precious years to the process and, like you pointed out, that feeling of being alone which is so strong could have been replaced by feeling supported and heard. Yes, yes to the light cutting through…and to hope and meaning. So wonderful you saw how to make something of meaning out significant loss.
What a moving piece, Tambre! It’s so motivating to hear how you went from just surviving to thriving. I also love how you surrounded yourself with such a supportive community!
Through the hardest times in my life, I noticed that I slowed life down for myself and started getting really organized. I would plan my days like crazy, take extra good care of myself and read a lot. The order was somehow calming! =P