Please take a moment and check out my guest blog post featured this week on the site, What the Hell is a Cancer Coach, and pass it on.  Survivors and caregivers deserve as much support and as many resources as possible.  Sharing this post and the site is a great way to say “I care.”

Once upon a cancer cell,
A lady began to yell, “I am sick of crying, and all the people dying, these treatments are hell!!
I NEED to laugh, to find the humor, in this world filled with seriousness and tumors!!
I KNOW others have this same need, and so I plead to hear their humors,
Of what makes them giggle, chuckle, or even grin, at this disease I wish was in the trash bin!!
It dawned on me one day, create the stage, invite them to play their stories out from within,
All shared on a platform for all, the internet, on websites I shall call:  Canswear and Canshare!!
One for adults and one for youth, you see, as we have different needs for our stories to be bared,
All in public, for the world to see, each of us has a story to share, from you to me!!
That is my simple wish for us all, a place to call “home” when we need a laugh, see
or to share one of our wonderful thoughtful thoughts,
About this world of cancer, the treatments, the after effects, oh, what a wreck, and fraught
With frustration, angst, worry, and hurry, so stop for a laugh and find your way
To have a little mental break, for our sanity is at stake, in the crazy day
That life becomes when faced with those errant cells that are within ourselves!!
My hope is that I have given the gift of some joy with a joke, and for a moment you dwell
In a world of “LOse fear, haVE HOPE”, because it sure would be dope,
If you sent your story to me, as laughter is how I cope!!” ~ Dara Insley

For more information or to check out her sites click on the links above or check out her Canswear Facebook Page or for children, Canshare Facebook Page.   To be able to embrace new attitudes or perceptions, like tapping into humor, Start Where You Are, a few thoughts on the power of attitude.

In the face of these waves of life that are constantly rocking us, how do we stay standing? How do we weather the storm without letting it drain and control us?

Our true power lies within letting go of judgment. When we judge a situation as “bad”, we give up so much energy to it–valuable energy  we could use to…

• carry ourselves forward
• heal ourselves
• build the experience of life we want

Although it may be counter-intuitive, judging a situation as “good” places us in just as unstable a position as does judging something as “bad”. We still give over our power and energy to the external situation by assigning it the ability to affect our internal landscape.

Letting go of judgment is  no easy task. When first faced with this concept, we may think  letting go of judgment means letting go of emotion. And we especially reject the idea that judging something as “good” is a habit that needs to be abandoned.

I invite you to contemplate that judgment puts us in a very precarious position on both ends of the spectrum. This may be more obvious when we contemplate the disadvantages of judging a situation as “bad”. When we judge a situation as “bad”, we can be paralyzed by fear and unable to take action.  We become stuck,expend a lot of energy  and feel crushed by the effects of the “this can’t be happening to me” mind.

But what is operating in our mind when we judge a situation as “good”? Beneath the happy feelings that arise, there may be a subtle belief the “good” situation will never end. In fact, we tend to believe it is the appearance of “good” situations that creates happiness in our lives, and  without them we simply cannot be happy. This leaves us with feelings of deep unhappiness when the “good” wave once again retreats into the ocean of our experience.

The truth is  our own mind is far more powerful than any external situation, and within this powerful mind we have the ability to create our own experience. By abstaining from judging a situation as “good” or “bad”, we maintain the open space of choice. We remember, in this place of lack of judgment,  no external situation has any power over our experience.

Instead, our experience is created by what lies within. Rather than losing energy battling the waves of “bad” experience or desperately clinging to the “good” waves, we invest this precious energy in ourselves—in the calm, untouchable peace that exists beneath the stormy surface of our external lives.

I have a simple 3-step mental journey  I take whenever I am faced with a situation that is sparking the seeds of judgment to grow within me. I remind myself:

1. This is happening.
2. From a place of peace I observe it.
3. With a calm mind I choose my next step.

We cannot stop the “bad” waves from coming. Nor do we have the power to make the “good” ones stay permanently. And so we simply say to ourselves “This is happening.”

This helps us stay in a place of open acceptance and choice. From this peaceful place of non-judgment we can take in everything that is happening, without wanting to run and hide or becoming too attached to the event. And then we are able to step forward with clarity and calm. We are able to step forward with 100% of our energy devoted to our own wellbeing, with a happiness that flows freely from deep within the wellsprings of our mind.

About my guest blogger, Holly:

I help people who feel inherently broken to pick up the pieces and feel whole, so that they can heal their relationship with themselves and wake up every morning saying, “I love my life.” My mission is to guide people through a process of radical self-creation that gives them the tools to feel peace, balance and purpose to every moment of every day. Click here to learn more about working with me.

One With the Universe

Yesterday was the 11^th Anniversary of my late husband’s death.  Early on in my grief recovery work, I was asked to identify Gary’s strengths I would most want to embody.  It helped to decrease the sense of separateness the loss of his physical presence had created in my life.

At the time, I could not imagine how I would ever integrate the best of him in me but it planted a seed and created a possibility.

Last year, I had the opportunity to mark the 10^th year of his passing by raising funds and being a keynote speaker for the American Cancer Society through Relay for Life.  It truly was the end of a decade, one that began in the darkest of places full of pain and complete lack of purpose and ended in the unveiling of my work coaching cancer survivors and caregivers.

Over the course of the past 365 days, everything has changed and I have discovered, for me, what immortality looks like…living beyond the physical body as inspiration for others to carry out missions of compassion, caring and making a difference.

To be immortal is to be everlasting and enduring.  We do so by touching the lives of others deeply.  Perpetuating pain and loss does not create something that can endure over time as it eventually separates us from others and from having the energy needed to bring forward the gifts and lessons we are eventually able to uncover.

This is not a place we get to without doing the challenging work of recovering from loss.  We cannot wrap loss up in pretty paper and put a bow on it, then call it a gift.  In the early years, I would have told you that nothing good could come from this experience.  It simply was a terrible, tragic loss.

And it was, but by self-creating a healing process and being willing to find meaning in life again, I came out the other side and now see how Gary’s death allows me to help so many others and has inspired a life for me that I never could have imagined possible.  I live now in a place of ease and peace, joy and completion.  I live in the present, no longer weighed down by my past.  I love my life again…all of it.

When we integrate the strengths, passions and love for life of those we have lost into ourselves, there is finally, once again, this sense of wholeness we can experience that allows us to move forward without regret, being of service to others and embodying and expressing joy, fun and love again.  Would our loved ones not wish this for us and for the world instead of staying stuck in pain and suffering?

Grief recovery is about honoring the process and the different, unique phases of moving back toward wholeness.  Immortality is about living a life where your passion and way of being, your how you show up in the world, is so magnificent it ripples out beyond you in ways you may never even know and inspires others to live their biggest life possible.

The greatest honor and respect we can give those Immortal Beloveds of ours who leave before us is to live and lead an extraordinary life…no matter what.

No matter whether we’re feeling overwhelmed or lacking energy because of health challenges, being a caregiver, launching a business or just staying on top of a full life, here are five easy steps to get back on track…

1. Assess ~ sit still and invest a few minutes in creating a priority list.
2. Evaluate ~ what short term, mid-term and long term actions or goals are connected to each priority.  Are you attending to a balance of the different areas in your life…career, relationship, health/wellness, finances, enjoyment.
3. Reset ~ based on how much time you want to invest each day in your short term, mid-term and long term goals.
4. Rest ~ set aside recuperation time.
5. Restart ~ having taken stock and reset priorities, hit the restart and get back on track with renewed energy and focus.

Note to self!

Start where you are.  Right here, right now.  Instead of allowing the circumstance to define your experience, remember the wisdom of Victor Frankl,

Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

Our way is determined by the choices we make.   Our choices are rooted in the thoughts we have about what we see as possible.  If we limit our possibilities, we limit our choices.  When we limit our choices, we don’t create our own way, we get in our way.

We may not always choose the circumstances of our life, but we can learn how to shift our thinking so our attitude empowers us.  How do I begin?

Start where you are.  Take small steps consistently every day.  Choose one action that, if you completed it, you would feel like you were in the driver’s seat.  You have the power to choose your own way.  Grace, resilience, strength, inspiration.   What will you bring along for the ride?

• increase in donations to cancer-related non-profits to provide research, information and badly needed support services
• elevation in education regarding prevention and taking part in regular screenings
• a connection for those suffering in silence to feel they are not alone
• a recognition that cancer doesn’t discriminate

When someone like, JC Hayward goes public with her personal battle, it is a reminder that we need to continue to raise funding in the fight against cancer, that those diagnosed with cancer and their loved ones are not alone and that we all owe ourselves, our friends & family and our communities regular participation in screenings at the appropriate times. 

At the time of my late husband’s diagnosis, he chose to keep silent except for a small, inner circle of family and friends.  He wanted to keep working through treatment and with the unforgiving and self-centered nature of the film industry, he knew the chances of being discriminated against due to his medical condition were relatively high.  Because we worked together, it meant there was very little support for either of us available.  We had to lean on each other a lot and choose selectively who in the workplace could know.  He was responsible, of course, and notified “need to know” people, but for the most part, we were on our own.

It took a lot of extra energy to keep our secret and some smoke and mirrors at times as well.  Many people work in “normal” jobs where they are protected by anti-discrimination laws.  Freelancers have a challenging time being covered by these protections, yet they need their union days to maintain health insurance coverage.  I cannot imagine the devastating financial effects we would have suffered had Gary not been able to keep up his health insurance.

There are reasons people choose to “suffer in silence” and as loved ones, friends and family, we need to support their personal choices.  However, reading about stories such as JC Hayward’s makes me grateful for the awareness she is raising and the role model she is being.  There is a great gift in the support and caring we can receive when we share our challenges with others and a cost to keeping secrets.  There is no right or wrong way to handle a cancer diagnosis as it must be left to the individual to know what is best for them but it is also important to understand the cost of keeping it to yourself.

To all the public figures and celebrities who share their stories, thank you…there is a difference you make in this world and it is a blessing to the community engaged in the fight against cancer.

Our lives are not a diagnosis or the diagnosis of a loved one.  They are not simply about treatment options and side effects.  They are complex, layered and integrated parts of a magnificent whole that includes our internal and external experiences, interests, desires, goals and dreams. It requires we consider the impact on relationships, finances, education, career, insurance, communication, fertility, sexuality, enjoyment of life…on every aspect that defines who we are and the life we are leading.  And it isn’t contained just to the life of the patient or survivor but reaches well beyond into that person’s community.

To get a clear picture on the ripple effect facing a major challenge such as cancer touching our lives, completing something like the Whole Life Assessment Tool can be a great starting place.  I often use this as part of helping my clients build awareness about what is or isn’t currently working for them right now in their lives.   It takes less than five minutes to complete and they score each area from one to ten with ten being “most satisfied” and one being “least satisfied”.   Doing so helps to paint the picture of where the client wants to focus on making changes to improve how they are experiencing high priority concerns.  When cancer takes a spin with your Whole Life wheel, it messes with almost every area.

What now?  It isn’t new news that cancer can wreak havoc on your life.  And the call to action to get on with living it isn’t new either.  My second major takeaway from the Summit was what can be done to answer the question, HOW do I get on with living my life when I know almost everything about the game of life has changed?

There is now, thanks to the efforts of many people and organizations over the last decade, a rapidly expanding pool of information on the issues facing young adults whose lives are changed forever by cancer.  What’s next is generating opportunities to create access to new tools and approaches to help survivors and caregivers create action plans that empower them and put them behind the wheel.  From there, they can once again navigate the path they are on by proactively and consciously making choices about their present and future instead of feeling like the wheel is spinning out of control.

What I love about the Whole Life Assessment exercise is it helps create clarity and also acknowledge how profoundly the cancer experience tears at the fabric of our lives.  It also becomes a guide for seeing places where transformation and healing can begin as cancer doesn’t require just physical healing…there is significant psycho-social healing to be done as well for survivors, caregivers, family, supporters and clinicians.

My weapon of choice to deal with the creating a different outcome where cancer doesn’t get to win the spin is coaching.  It is the only intervention that helped me recover my passion for living and uncover a purpose greater than all the pain of losing my husband.  Through coaching, I created tangible steps in all areas of the wheel with the support I needed when feelings of overwhelm threatened to stop me in my tracks.

The first step to HOW is getting clear about the areas in your life where you want to take action and make different choices.  Without awareness, change is not possible.  From there, breaking down goals into manageable action steps and setting up accountability with someone who will help you stay on track with your plan is a big part of the what’s next.  From what I’ve seen, the resiliency of survivors and caregivers is just one of many strengths they can draw on to successfully redesign their lives to live more powerfully.  Out of what may sometimes feel like a shattered life, you can weave together a rich and extraordinary present and future filled with choices that help you to thrive!

As someone who coaches survivors and caregivers, I often am so focused on the work I do that I forget I’m not an outsider to this group.  As a caregiver to my late husband who was only 34 when he was diagnosed, I directly experienced how this disease can shatter dreams and turn things upside down.

Though it was not me who was going through chemo and radiation and the many side effects of treatment, it profoundly impacted my life…and changed it forever when Gary died.  Sometimes I lose sight of the reality that I am part of this community of young adults whose lives are never the same when cancer becomes part of the story, either directly or indirectly…and sometimes the community forgets caregivers have a different but related experience when someone we love is diagnosed.

During the panel discussion, Underserved: Progress in Young Adult Advocacy, Dr. Barbara Jones, Associate Professor & Co-Director of the Institute for Grief, Loss & Family Survival at the University of Texas, highlighted caregivers as a still underserved part of the community.

So my biggest takeaway from this part of the weekend experience is simply the reminder that survivors and caregivers as well as supporters and even the clinicians who provide life extending treatments cannot escape the reality that cancer can have an impact on every area of our lives.  If we think of a whole life as a wheel and divide it into different key areas, then imagine the ways each of those areas has been altered or changed we begin to see how deep this disease can cut.

Our lives are not a diagnosis or the diagnosis of a loved one.  They are not simply about treatment options and side effects.  They are complex, layered and integrated parts of a magnificent whole that includes our internal and external experiences, interests, desires, goals and dreams. It requires we consider the impact on relationships, finances, education, career, insurance, communication, fertility, sexuality, enjoyment of life…on every aspect that defines who we are and the life we are leading.  And it isn’t contained just to the life of the patient or survivor but reaches well beyond into that person’s community.

When this ripple effect occurs, we have the opportunity to take a pro-active approach and decide how we will act to counter the effects and respond to the circumstances in a way that empowers us.  The first step is getting clear on what areas of your life have been significantly affected so you can begin to create action plans to address your concerns instead of being stressed and overwhelmed by them.

Awareness is the first step to creating change.  So check back in Friday to learn how my Whole Life Assessment Tool can help you generate greater awareness along with my second major takeaway from the OMG Summit.

Experts, caregivers, sponsors, survivors, friends, business associates and non-profit organizations have chosen to share a weekend getting informed, educated and inspired…and, of course, having fun…because they know what matters.

Life can be hectic, full of to do lists, opportunities, decisions and choices.  Sometimes we lose sight of the motivation behind what we are choosing to spend time on and who we spend it with.

Road trips give me the opportunity to do just that…check in with my priorities.  In the past, this might have occupied much of the drive time to Vegas.   But 2012 has been a breakthrough year for me.   I’ve never been so focused and clear, while also finding time to have fun and connect with extraordinary people and opportunities.  I am finally living my dream and in the company of those I enjoy investing time with, personally and professionally.

Still, the quiet time traveling between Los Angeles and Las Vegas is perfect for taking inventory and being sure that my actions and choices are in alignment with my priorities…and when I arrive at The Palms, I will be in the presence of others who truly understand what matters which is always a gift.

As you head into your weekend, consider finding some quiet time…on the road, riding a bike, walking on the beach…to ask yourself if who you’re being and what you’re up to expresses what matters to you.  It is only by getting clear on any gaps between our current choices and what is truly important to us that we can begin to make adjustments and take actions to live our most powerful and extraordinary life.